DNA News: January-February 2022

Coming Soon: HEB Baby!

– Diana Claitor

Great moments in Dawson neighborhood may not have made the national news, but they still resonate in our collective memory. We had the night of the famous shelter-in-place order when APD sealed off all the entrances and egresses to the hood, so that those of usaway on errands couldn’t return home while APD searched for a man with a rifle who turned out to have left hours ago on his own errands.

Then we had the afternoon of Obama, when the prez’s motorcade screeched to a halt at Torchy’s so he could wolf down three tacos—an Independent, Democrat and a Republican(1) – while the entire staff videotaped him on their phones and a bunch of us cheered like mad from where we’d been sequestered in the driveway of the gas station/convenience on Sacramento Street.

None of that is as exciting as the fabulous new HEB coming to anchor the corner of South Congress and Oltorf. We’re talking all-gold escalators, modeled after Trump Towers in NYC, and a three-story covered parking garage featuring a water park at one end anda beach at the other. Take that, Whole Foods! So fabulous, this bop(2) deserves a special new name: HEB Baby!

And for those who hate driving, hop onto the Musk tunnel– Elon is building us a giant underground tube accessible at each street corner. Grab a bubble and be whisked through a Musk tunnel to be spewed out into the lobby of HEB Baby!

And the food shopping there will take a back seat to the fabulous entertainment. Dance to the sounds from the DJ booth—hello 1 Marshmello! Within only a few yards, you’ll be able to get inked at the tattoo parlor, all on a live video feed, so shoppers can watch your tattooer pound skin on store-wide monitors as they buy artisanal a tomatoes.

Best of all, a full-on music venue will be on top of the building, withvari-lights and top-quality loudspeakers, digital processing, reverb-enhancing equipment and fancy pants microphones. They’re going all out for the inaugural performance–the Stones! Yes, we’ll miss Charlie Watts but still!

So much poppin’ at HEB Baby! but I’m a little disappointed that they are not building us a South Austin FC stadium too.

(1) The Independent and the Republican were both removed from the Torchy’s
menu in 2020, “because of low sales.” [The Republican appears to be back
on—Ed.]
(2) Grab the Urban Dictionary, dude.

Thanks to our sponsor!

Dawson Elementary serves children ages 3 to 12 years.
Please contact Dawson’s principal, Tania Jedele, at 512-698-9151, to set
up a time for a tour.

Ladybird Lake – Eliot Kimber